Memories...

:ast night while I was struggling to fall asleep I started to look through pictures on Facebook (it's like a shoebox, but you don't have to climb through the basement to find it). I found myself reminiscing and remembering all the good times in my life. Particularly in High School. While I know that I complained about high school all the time while I was there, and I still occasionally complain about it now, the truth is I had wonderful times at Lone Peak. I grew and I made some of the best friends I have ever had. I struggled and I fought to become a better person. I am so grateful for the people that were there to make my experience as amazing as it was:

• Jonathan Ruesch: You always made me smile. It didn't matter how bad my day was going, you could make it better. Thank you.
• Michael Ruesch: You gave me something to shoot for. You were talented, and smart, and a genuine good person. When I felt that I wasn't good enough, I looked to you and tried to be like you. Thank you.
• Sierra Bottita: You helped me through some of my hardest times. I was able to tell you things that I couldn't tell anyone. You kept me sane and drove the car when I was emotionally compromised. Thank you.
• Jesse Pyne: You are the most amazing man. You have been with me for a long time. And even when other friends fell away, you were there. I love you so much and I am so excited to see where you are going to go and what you are going to do in your life. You helped make me who I am. Thank you.
• Randilee Warner:Best friend. Our relationship started out...rough. We struggled, but when we finally got through we found each other. And I am so glad that I have you. You are one of the few people who supports me as much as I support you. I am so grateful for that. I love you and miss you and I want you to come home!!! :)
• Matt White: I am not even going to say anything, because then I will start crying nobody wants that. Even though our friendship only last one year during high school, I don't think I could have survived that year or the year after without you. You are the best ever. Yep...you know the rest.

There are so many others, but these are the people that I see when I look back on my times at Lone Peak. I love you all!!

Ok, now for some elementary reminiscing...

I recently received a message from my elementary school best friend. He is a freshman in college like me and he is writing a memoir for one of his classes. As he has been writing it he was thinking about our friendship and how it came about and evolved. His message started me reminiscing and enjoying how easy life was back then. And the simple things that brought so much joy. For example, me and my friend wrote a song and commercial one day just out of the blue. Here is what I can remember of the script:

Man: (singing and staring out towards a beautiful woman) I see you far across the water! I see you looking back at me! (more lyrics I can't remember)
(As the man nears the woman she begins to sing and walk toward him)
Woman: (singing and staring at the man (but not really!)) Lyrics, Lyrics, Lyrics!
(The woman walks past the man and picks up a shiny new cell phone.)

The End.

I know! We were marketing and songwriting geniuses!!

Anyway, the point to all this is to remind you all that you didn't get here on your own. You had good moments and bad moments that helped you become who you are. Don't let those moments disappear. Take the time to remember them. And take the time to thank the people who made it possible. Memories are a good thing. Don't ignore them.

Long time no write...and a little Sam Beckett ranting...

I haven't posted in ages due to the fact that school is super crazy and stressful. So I am writing! Hooray!

Now that we have that out of the way time for some super fan girl craziness: FJDKAS;FJFKDLSAKFDKF; OMG! SAMUEL BECKETT IS THE BEST! I LOVE HIM SO FREAKING MUCH! HE IS A GENIUS AND I HATE HIM FOR IT, BUT REALLY I LOVE HIM FOR IT AND...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

Ok, I have that out of my system. Hopefully for the rest of my life. But on a serious note, Samuel Beckett is my new favorite contemporary playwright (Sorry Sam, no one beats Will). Of the four plays I have read/seen I have come to a few conclusions about Mr. Beckett. 

1. He writes plays where "nothing happens" but are more entertaining and thought provoking to me than almost any other playwright.
2. He understands the human experience more fully than almost anyone I can think of
3. His brain must have been a wibbly wobbly ball of stuff. 

I have read/seen, Waiting for Godot--a play in which nothing happens, twice--, Rockaby--a play in which nothing happens with an old woman in a rocking chair--, Not I--a play in which  nothing happens with a disembodied mouth--, and Play--a play in which nothing happens with three heads on top of urns. And yet, while nothing happens in any of these plays Beckett explores the depths of human emotion, loneliness, interdependecy, love, hate, birth, death, defecation. All of it. He truly understands how chaotic life is. He embodies the original Existentialist idea of the world and the universe being a chaotic buzz and the natural human instinct to find some kind of meaning out of the buzz even when there is no meaning to be found.

For those of you who have tried to read plays, stories, or novels written in stream-of-consciousness you know how difficult it can be. It can be even harder to write, yet Becket can do it flawlessly. Which leads me to the conclusion that his head was a wibbly wobbly ball of stuff, but he still had enough focus to take that mess and turn it into stream-of-consciousness writing that is revealing, inspiring, and still somewhat comprehensible. 

I love him. End of story.

I am a part of this...

So this post is going to be kind of political...seeing as that is what the country is focused on right now. But it is not going to be the same kind of political post as everyone else...I hope.

Anyway, the RNC and DNC have just happened and with that there are people on both sides of scale that will say the exact same things about the other side. Republicans say the Democrats are lying. The Democrats say the Republicans are lying. Everyone is taking sides and blaming people who are not on their side. It is sad. I know that having choices is a great thing for our country. It allows us to show our opinion and have more freedom in our government than most places in the world (I know, people are going to criticize me here and say that the United States is going down the drain and that the country is being destroyed, but really...we have it pretty damn good. So suck it up or move away and see if your life is really that much better). Sorry, that was a small tangent. Back to my point. The truth is it doesn't matter what you choose, as long as you do a few things: make a choice, respect others choices, and respect the end decision even if you don't necessarily agree. 

We are so lucky to be able to vote. I am particularly lucky, as a woman. I am so grateful that I have that opportunity. It is something I have been waiting for since I was 14 years old. People fought for this right and so I am going to respect them by making a choice. I am going to choose to use that right and vote. It doesn't matter who or what I am voting for as long as I show I am grateful by going out and doing it.

And it doesn't matter what others believe. Let people decide for themselves. You may not agree, but they are people who still deserve respect, so don't degrade or look down on them for their choices. They are making a choice and that is what matters. If you don't agree, that is fine! But don't hurt another person because of that disagreement. When we begin to lose respect for our fellow man, we begin to lose part of our humanity all together.

Finally, I don't care if your decision wins in the end when the votes are counted. Whether your candidate wins or loses, they are now the President of your country and you should at least respect them, if nothing else, as a human being. You don't have to agree with their politics or their decisions, but give them the respect they deserve for taking on an overwhelming task and doing their best to keep this country together. I know for me, even though I will not vote for Mitt Romney, I will give my respect to him if he wins and I will show my support to my President, even if I don't agree. And when the time comes to vote again, and if I still do not agree I will vote for someone else. That is what this beautiful country is all about and I am so proud that I get to be a part of it, even if it is small.

The first page of my newest chapter...

Ok, so that title is a little cheesy, but whatever. I liked it.

Yesterday was my first day of classes at the University of Utah. And it was amazing. It was more than I could have ever hoped for. I felt at home and, aside from the time I got lost in the library, comfortable with my surroundings and the people around me.

Now this is probably because I am a Musical Theater major, but the whole day felt like a party. I went to Ballet, (we didn't dance, but it was still fun) and I spent time in the library, pouring over the Shakespeare section, and I went to First Year Acting, which really was a party because we just got to play games. It was perfect.

That first day made me so excited for the future. I am ready for it and I can't wait.

It is not fair...or ok...

I am not a perfect person. I tell little lies sometimes, but I never lie about things that are big or important. And I would never say something happened, when it didn't. I would never say that I was hurt or molested or such if it didn't happen. And people that do say things like that make it harder for those who have actually gone through it to get help and heal. It is not fair for you to say things like that just for attention or help. Not only that but it is extremely offensive and hurtful to those people who have suffered. If you need help, tell the truth. Express what the real reason you need help is. You don't need to lie or make up stories. And people that I know that are doing this...I am sorry. I am sorry that you feel you need to. And I am sorry that you feel you not only need to make up stories but that you need to exploit those stories to get attention. You obviously are hurting for some reason and I hope that you can solve that without telling stories that are not true.

One Year Ago...

My mom and my two best friends put me on a plane and sent me to Hawaii. They sent me there to heal. To be reborn. To grow. And that is what I have been doing ever since. 

I have gone through some tough times...some downright shitty, but I got out of those times. I pushed and fought, even when I didn't think I could. I know this sounds like almost every other blog post I have ever written, but I really don't care. Like I said when I started this project, this is for me more than anyone else...I forgot where I was going to go with this. So I am going to turn it into a Thank You letter.

Thank you to my family: You have all held me up and kept me strong. Your love and support means the world to me. 

Thank you to Matt and Chase: My relationships with you two are some of my most cherished. And if it wasn't for you and the love you gave to me I would never have been as brave as I was one year ago. 

And most of all, thank you to my beautiful mother: You are the most amazing woman and mother. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have someone like you to look up to and learn from. I don't know what I would do without you. Thank you for your constant, unconditional love and support. I love you mama. :)

Everyone has tough times. Everyone has times that are even downright shitty. That doesn't mean you have to give up or give in. Push and fight and then you can heal and be reborn and grow. And who knows, something amazing may come from it.

When I Write A Blog Post...

I feel a little like Carrie Bradshaw in "Sex and The City." Just kidding, I feel a lot like Carrie Bradshaw in "Sex and The City."

Just Go For It...

Life is hard. And scary. And doing new things can be the scariest thing of all. But it is also the most rewarding you can do. I have never been the most adventurous person, but this past year I have been trying to go out and do new things and it has been the best decision I have made. I have done things I have never thought I could do and I just went for the things that I wanted. Sometimes it went fabulously and other times...it fell apart in front of me, but I do not regret any of it. So there you go. GO FOR IT! Just man (or woman) up and go for it! Take a chance and I promise you will not regret it. Love you all, now go out and go for it. :)

You are loved...

Ok, so this is kind of cheesy, but I thought since my last post was a little intense and harsh I would do a post that is more inspiring...I guess.

So I was listening to Pandora and Josh Groban's song "You Are Loved-Don't Give Up" came on and I immediately started crying. I love this song. So much. As I have said music speaks more strongly to me than anything else in this world and this is just an example of that. So many people in this world are walking around feeling like they don't matter and that they never will. I know how this feels. I have been there, but I made it through and not only did I come to the stunning realization that I matter, but I am important. I wish that I had a superpower that allowed me to see who felt worthless and I could show them how they are so incredibly important. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way and more often than not the people who feel worthless are really good at hiding it. The best I can do is be kind and loving to everyone and hope that maybe I help those who are struggling.

I don't even know where I want to go with this I just felt like it was a good thing to say.

To everyone (literally, everyone): You Are Loved. And please, please, please don't give up.

Here is the Josh Groban song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGLSk3AVcUU

And here are the lyrics:

Don't give up

It's just the weight of the world

When your heart's heavy

I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up

Because you want to be heard

If silence keeps you

I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood

Well I can hear you

Everybody wants to be loved

Don't give up

Because you are loved

Don't give up

It's just the hurt that you hide

When you're lost inside

I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up

Because you want to burn bright

If darkness blinds you

I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood

Well I can hear you

Everybody wants to be loved

Don't give up

Because you are loved

You are loved

Don't give up

It's just the weight of the world

Don't give up

Every one needs to be heard

You are loved 

So much for being like Jesus...

I do not consider myself a Christian. In fact, I do not associate myself with any organized religion or even believe in God. But I do believe that there are good things that are taught in religion. Being kind and loving everyone and honoring your parents are things that I believe are wonderful things to follow and I try to do this in my life as often as possible.

Now there are some people in my life--who I love dearly--who are devoted to a life of following Christ and yet I struggle to find truly Christ-like attributes in their attitudes and behaviors. These people hurt me more than I can say. Just because I do not attend church, or my mom's fiancee drinks, or we swear does not mean that we are terrible people or that our moral compass is "skewed." We are just people. We are human beings who are trying our hardest to live a good and fulfilling life. Just because the life we are choosing is not the same as the life you are choosing does not mean it is wrong or that we deserve to be judged or ridiculed. 

I wish I could say I am sorry if this offends anyone, but I am not. People need to realize that if they truly want to follow Christ and be a "good Christian" then they need to humble themselves, open their minds and hearts to everyone, and most of all love their family unconditionally. Your family is all you have in this world that will never leave, don't let it get away because of pride and self-serving feelings of superiority. From my understanding Jesus spent his time with the sinners and the harlots and showed them love. So why can't you?  

Let's talk about sex...

Ok now that I have your attention...I don't mean we are actually going to talk about sex. Instead I am going to lecture you a little bit. About public displays of affection (PDA) and appropriate places to "get busy" as Syndrome says on "The Incredibles." 

One: I love showing affection. Hugs are probably the most healing things in the world. I love to give hugs and I love to receive hugs. Hugs are an appropriate form of PDA. But not all hugs are appropriate for PDA. Let me clarify...

Appropriate (and ADORABLE)

Appropriate

Inappropriate...like a lot...

Inappropriate and awkward in a room full of what looks to be cops

Inappropriate

Appropriate

Inappropriate...Really? You need to touch her butt that badly?

Appropriate and a great way to lift someone's spirits

Inappropriate

Appropriate

Hopefully now you will know what is appropriate and what is not as far as hugs are concerned.

Two: Holding hands is fun and sweet and it is appropriate in most circumstances. If you are holding hands and butts at the same time that is not appropriate (If you can't tell anytime butts are touching hands it is inappropriate...actually just no butt touching in any public situation)

Three: Kissing, no. Let's just avoid kissing in public if we can. A small quick peck may be permissible, but under no circumstances should there be any tongue, slimy, frenchy kisses in public. It is nasty. So stop.

Four: Finally, what you have all been waiting for. Sex. As a general rule you should never have sex in these places:

• A restaurant
• A public restroom
• A park
• A parking lot
• A store
• A mall
• A laundromat
• An airport
• An airplane
• A doctor's office
• A dentist's office
• A moving car
• A school
• A classroom
• A grocery store
• A grocery cart
• A movie theater
• A theater of drama
• A drive in movie
• And many others...                                                                                                                      

There are many others, but hopefully this will help you understand. Now here are some places that are appropriate for swoodellypooping with your honey.

• Your bed
• Your honey's bed
• A hotel

Now there are still some qualifications with these things. YOU CANNOT SHARE A ROOM WITH ANYONE. Whether they are home or not. If you share a bedroom (or a bed) there should be no horizontal tangoing going on. The end. 

I hope that this has been educational and helpful. I send you off with kittens and hugs.

To sir (and ma'am) with love...

I haven't posted anything in a while. Part of that is because I have been busy getting ready for the end of the school year and part of that is because I really feel like I have little to say that anyone would find truly meaningful or insightful. I have spent the last 12 years in school and learning so many things I can't even remember all of them right now. And now that I am graduating I need to thank some people for what they have done for me. So instead of spreading seeds of my "vast" knowledge I am going to give some well do recognition and appreciation to those who have helped me obtain the knowledge I do have.

First is Mrs. Alyssa McNaughton and Mr. Derek Brooks: These two teachers were my English teachers in eighth and ninth grade. They did not teach me anything too new or exciting, in fact they told me on multiple occasions that they learned more from me than they felt they had taught me, but they believed in me. They encouraged me in my writing and they encouraged me in my acting. They gave me confidence when I was at my lowest and they made me feel truly worthwhile. I will always be grateful to them for that.

Next is Mr. Scott Birrell: This man is one of the most amazing teachers in the entire world in my opinion. I cannot even describe specific things that make him such an amazing teacher, but he makes you love learning. Not just learning history, which is what he teaches, but learning anything. Learning about life. He teaches you responsibility and integrity and that (my words, not his) shit happens and you have to pick yourself up and move on. He is a brilliant man and an even better teacher. 

Finally is Ms. Sarah Woolsey: Ms. Woolsey holds a very special place in my heart. She taught me to be a better writer and reader. She taught me important life lessons. She wrote me glowing letters of recommendation and she encouraged me in my schooling. More than all of this though she helped shape me into the person I am. She cared about me, but she still pushed me to be better. She took care of me in little ways that were more helpful than she will ever realize. She made me feel special and important and I will love her forever because of that. I cannot express how much this woman means to me and how much I hope I can be like her when I am grown.

Thank you to all the teachers who shaped me and made me a better person. I love you all.

Something deep and meaningful...

Nope. Too lazy and life is too good right now for me to think about the mysteries of the universe. So instead...here is a beautiful video that makes me smile. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8ZJrfeohzU

Some Theater Humor...Just For Fun...

My last show in high school...

This week I closed on the last show I will perform in at Lone Peak High School. This show was the most trying, most exciting, most fun, hardest, and above all the show I am most proud of out of every show I have ever been a part of. I worked my ass off every day in rehearsal and I left everything I had on the stage every time I went on it. I did all I could to keep the show going, keep attitudes positive, and encourage everyone to do their best. It was very difficult. It took a lot of effort at times, but every second was worth it. And I think that is why it hurts so much when people dismiss this show.

As the show was put together it seemed that the only things I heard (and the only things I continue to hear) is how poor the show was compared to others from Lone Peak, how much people hated being in this show, how little income came in, and how small the audiences were. Hearing these things, some of them from my best friend, hurt me more than anything. When someone works so hard and people just brush it off as nothing, it makes all that hard work seem like it truly was nothing. And yet, I know that this show wasn't nothing. The work I put in wasn't nothing. And the joy I felt while I was on stage and the fun I had with my cast mates sure as hell wasn't nothing. 

To the cast of "Once Upon A Mattress" 2012: I love all of you so much. Everyone of you has taught me something and you have all left an impression that I will never forget. Thank you to everyone who supported me and made me feel that my work was worth it. I love you forever and ever. 

To any of you involved in theater: no matter what happens to you, whether you get rejected for a role, or you don't like the director, or you think your costume is ugly, let me give you some advice--keep your mouth shut or quit. Because that attitude will tear your cast and, ultimately, your show, apart. You are an actor. If you can't have a genuinely good attitude then take it as an acting challenge and pretend that you have a good attitude.

To everyone, in theater or not: support those around you. You don't know what they are going through or how hard they have worked for something. Give them your support and be kind. You have no idea how far that will take you. Kindness is one of the strongest things I have ever witnessed and it seems that people use it less and less these days. Live in kindness and I promise your life will be more happy and enjoyable than if you don't.

Be strong...

I try really hard in my life to be strong. To not show weakness. To make sure that everyone thinks I am fantastic all the time. It is hard at times, but more than anything it is so lonely.

There are those times when I breakdown and all I want is someone to hold me and let me cry and tell me that it will be ok, but if I do that then I have to let someone in and reveal that I am not fantastic. I am really just a person. A person who feels sadness, and insecurities, and anger, and loneliness the same as everyone else. But I can't do that. I can't let someone see me that way. So I sit and breakdown as quietly as I can by myself and I wait until the sadness or anger or loneliness passes and I move on.

Sometimes I am stronger at the end, but sometimes I feel just as hopeless. And that hurts.

2012 Presidential Candidate...

by YourLocalSecurity.com

This is my first time voting in a Presidential Election and I am emphatically supporting the re-election of President Obama. True, Obama is not by far the greatest president that the United States have had, but what he has done is working in the right direction to help restore the economy, end the war, and strengthen the country. Besides these things, every potential Republican candidate stands for things that I cannot support. More than anything I cannot support these men because of their anti-same sex marriage platform. I advocate human rights and same sex marriage more than any other social or political issue. Based on these things I pledge my full support to the re-election of President Obama.

Glow...

Sometimes we all need some inspiration, especially me. I have found a great source of inspiration for girls and women. glow*. It is a blog started by some of my women role models and there are some truly amazing thoughts in it. If you want or need some inspiration or support please go check out this blog. It is truly amazing.

It gets better...

My life has never been "easy." I have struggled and I have fought. I have had more heartache than most people my age and I have experienced things no one should ever have to experience. It has been hard. But it is ok. It's ok because I am one of the strongest people I know. These trials have molded me and helped create a person that I love. I love who I am. I love what I stand for and I love where I am going with my life. There is nothing anyone could do at this point in my life that would pull me down. I won't let them. This is my life and it is in my control. I have some pretty big things coming up in my life pretty soon and some of them make me excited, and some of them terrify the shit out of me. But it doesn't matter because I am strong enough for all of it. And I know that when bad things happen it won't last forever and it will get better.

For those of you that have hit rock bottom, for those of you that feel worthless, for those of you who feel helpless: it gets better. No matter what is happening, it will get better. You do not have to let people beat you down. You don't have to let people treat you badly. You have the power. I know, it doesn't feel like it, trust me I understand, but you do have that power. All it takes is one moment of belief in yourself, one moment to stand tall and embrace the amazing person you are. And that one moment will turn into strength, and that strength will let you believe in yourself even more. It is a cycle and it leads to a strong, self assured person who has an amazing potential. Don't let that potential be wasted. 

It gets better.

My favorite thing...

 So basically I love coffee. So much I love coffee. Mmmmmm...best. And I came across this quote today and it is a great way to describe why I love coffee so much.

"Well, there are problems that even coffee can't solve. But coffee - coffee is a hug in a cup and a hug is always a good place to start, don't you think?"--Blaine from Little Numbers (fanfic)

So there you go. That is why I love coffee. Have a great day!!

Silly post...you are just a bunch of pictures...

Sometimes...I just want to...kill...people...with a dull ice cream scoop...

No big deal.

My other family...

My life is...insane to say the least... I spend the vast majority of my life at my high school going to school or having rehearsal for my two shows. In fact, I have seen my drama teacher more in the past three weeks than I have seen my mom. But you know what, it's not that bad. I have a second family. My other family.

My other family consists of my cast members and directors who have become my closest friends. In fact at the beginning of the school year I "adopted" every member of the drama department and it is not uncommon to hear people calling me "Mom" and asking for my advice or more likely my phone so they can play games.

I love these kids. I have had some of the most meaningful, most emotional, most tiring, and most memorable experiences surrounded by these people. I love them all and I am so grateful that I have been given the opportunity to work with them. I can't wait to see what amazing things they will do in their lives.

I love you kids!!

Love,

Mama Keaton

Prop 8...finally...thank the flying spaghetti monster...

For those of you who haven't heard, Prop 8 (the law that denies marriage to same sex couples) was voted unconstitutional by an appeals court. It will move on to one higher court and then finally the Supreme Court. If the Supreme Court rules Prop 8 as unconstitutional then no state, not a single one will be able to deny marriage to same sex couples.

This issue is very near and dear to my heart. My two best friends in the world are gay and they have been dating each other for a long time. They love each other and have one of the greatest relationships I have ever seen. Unfortunately, though they are respectable citizens and follow all the laws of the land they receive less rights and privileges than I do. They can't get married. They can't show to the world that they have promised their lives to each other. 

I have been advocating same sex marriage since Prop 8 was proposed and when it was approved I was devastated. It is not fair. Same sex couples deserve all the same rights as anyone else. They are people. They are citizens of the United States. They are human beings. These are reason enough to allow them to be able to share in the same rights and ceremonies of every straight person, citizen, and human.

Love is love. And all couples deserve to show that love and begin a family formed on a loving marriage.

Support Love. Support same sex marriage.

Sick...

I had some really great plans for what I was going to do today. I was going to finish memorizing my lines for both of the shows I am in. I was going to start reading the next novel for AP Lit. I was going to catch up on homework. And I could have done it too, except for the fact that my body decided to go rogue and get sick. So, instead of getting things done I sat in my bed sleeping, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, and overall feeling terrible. 

It was completely miserable. I have not felt this sick in a very long time. Hopefully, I will be able to get up tomorrow and get to school so I will not have to make up any more work...yeah...that seems pretty far off. Well. Wish me luck. Night.

Paul Castree AKA The Sexy Ginger...

If you read my post a little bit ago you know that I got to attend some workshops taught by the amazing Paul Castree (he is an actor who has worked on Broadway in over 9 shows, so basically he is awesome). Well the first time I saw him I didn't realize at first who he was and I said to my friend Baylee, "Who is the sexy ginger?" I then realized the sexy ginger was indeed Paul Castree. Anyway...I attended almost every workshop he taught...so he probably thought I was stalking him...which may or may not have been true. And all these experiences that centered on Paul Castree led to my friend Baylee drawing me the following picture. It makes me so happy when I see it.

This is dedicated to all who love AVPM...