Yesterday I finished my first week of my sophomore year in the MTP at the University of Utah. I started this year with more experience and more confidence than last. I was already cast in a show that I was ecstatic to be a part of. I had worked all summer on improving my skills and improving my body. I was ready to start the year and take everyone by surprise.
The first thing I did on my first day in dance class was to go up to our freshmen and introduce myself. Now, for those of you that know me really well you know that I do not put myself out there for people. I wait until people come up to me or I go up to people with a group of friends to surround and protect me. I was terrified of these freshmen. And then I remembered when I was a freshman only a year ago. I was shitting my pants I was so terrified and intimidated. And the worst part is that not a single upperclassman came up to me. A few of the people in my class introduced themselves, but it wasn't until our first acting class together that I really was introduced to my classmates. I don't think I even interacted with any of the upperclassmen until half way through the spring semester. I didn't feel like a part of the program. I felt isolated and confined to interacting with my freshmen class and only my freshmen class. I pondered those feelings as I stared at the fresh faces who were so eager to begin a journey towards living their dreams and I knew that I didn't want them to feel as I had for most of my freshman year. I walked up and said hello and told them my name and asked for theirs. I was kind and outgoing and energetic and, at least I hoped, I was welcoming. Later that same day I saw a few of the girls in the library and I gave them my cell phone number so they could text or call me if they ever needed anything. They may have thought that was stupid and they may never use it, but I offered. I offered my help and friendship. I didn't sit around and wait for them to come to me. And it felt amazing. It felt wonderful to be outgoing and adventurous. I know, going up and talking to new people doesn't seem very adventurous, but it is for me. Baby steps, guys, baby steps. Who knows? Maybe on Halloween I will go to a Haunted House, or next summer I will ride a roller coaster. I doubt it, but anything could happen. (Yep, I did read that in a Russian dialect as I typed it).
So where am I going with this? I don't know. I honestly don't. I guess I am writing it more as a positive affirmation for Future Keaton so she will know that she has grown and she will continue to grow. I am going to become more confident and more skilled and there is no one, but me, who can stop me. I may not have crazy adventures around the world, or drop out of school to become an overnight hit in New York or Chicago or L.A. I may not write the next great play or novel. I may not be able to kick my nose or belt my tits off. I may never change someone's life because they knew me or because they saw a performance I was in. I may end up a crabby old bitch teaching theatre to high school students. But those things don't scare me. I love what I am doing. I love the strides I am making to improve myself and my craft. I love my passion and my drive. I love who I am and all the things that I may or may not do.
Wow, this post was kind of a mess. Oh well. Maybe next time (whenever that is) it will be a more cohesive and comprehensive piece...
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
It's Funny How Things Happen...
I am terrible at this "keeping up a blog" thing. I really struggle, but it's fine. Because this blog is only for me really. I started it for me and I use it when I need it and I guess that is all that matters.
So the point of this post is to remove all these feels I am having right now. This summer I participated in a community theatre production of Aida. I loved the show, but more than that I loved the people I met and became close with. Specifically Mary Nelson and Jonathan Baker. Our friendship was immediately strong and close. In fact we love each other all so much that we spent 13 hours together yesterday. 13 hours that, had we not needed sleep, could very well have stretched into days. Now that the strength of this relationship has been established I can get into what it is doing to me and my emotions.
Jonathan is leaving tomorrow morning for a five month trip to teach English. Because he is adventurous and exciting like that. A five month trip that is causing me to feel all the feels. Now, I know what you are saying. "Dilee has been gone for a whole year. You can handle five months. Get over yourself." Well let me mention that those five months are to be spent IN CHINA. Dilee was in the United States. With a cell phone and the ability to fly home for visits. Jonathan is going to be in CHINA. See. Told ya. Not so easy to get over. And while I have been telling myself that it is fine, that I won't lose all contact with him and I will be busy with Avenue Q and school, I can't help but feel sad at his departure.
It's funny how that happens. How quickly you can attach yourself to another person so strongly. It is very similar to when Matt and I became friends (oh, Music Man) Or better yet, when Chase and I became friends (oh, Pride and Prejudice). I have had many friends that I have been close with. But that closeness grew over time and became strong through years of interaction. And those friendships haven't lasted. These friendships, with Matt and Chase and Dilee and Mary and Jonathan, these friendships that hit me like a train and dragged me with them, these friendships that made me feel safe and loved in mere moments, these are the friendships that are going to last my entire life. I hope all of them feel the same way, because they are not getting rid of me even if they want to.
That's all. This may have been a dreadful experience for you, but I feel less of the feels I was feeling before I wrote this post so that is good.
Matt, Chase, Dilee, Mary, and Jonathan I love you all very much. Thank you all for choosing me. Jonathan, despite the feels I am having right now I am so amazed by you and I am so proud of you. I look up to you a lot and I can't wait for you to get home.
So the point of this post is to remove all these feels I am having right now. This summer I participated in a community theatre production of Aida. I loved the show, but more than that I loved the people I met and became close with. Specifically Mary Nelson and Jonathan Baker. Our friendship was immediately strong and close. In fact we love each other all so much that we spent 13 hours together yesterday. 13 hours that, had we not needed sleep, could very well have stretched into days. Now that the strength of this relationship has been established I can get into what it is doing to me and my emotions.
Jonathan is leaving tomorrow morning for a five month trip to teach English. Because he is adventurous and exciting like that. A five month trip that is causing me to feel all the feels. Now, I know what you are saying. "Dilee has been gone for a whole year. You can handle five months. Get over yourself." Well let me mention that those five months are to be spent IN CHINA. Dilee was in the United States. With a cell phone and the ability to fly home for visits. Jonathan is going to be in CHINA. See. Told ya. Not so easy to get over. And while I have been telling myself that it is fine, that I won't lose all contact with him and I will be busy with Avenue Q and school, I can't help but feel sad at his departure.
It's funny how that happens. How quickly you can attach yourself to another person so strongly. It is very similar to when Matt and I became friends (oh, Music Man) Or better yet, when Chase and I became friends (oh, Pride and Prejudice). I have had many friends that I have been close with. But that closeness grew over time and became strong through years of interaction. And those friendships haven't lasted. These friendships, with Matt and Chase and Dilee and Mary and Jonathan, these friendships that hit me like a train and dragged me with them, these friendships that made me feel safe and loved in mere moments, these are the friendships that are going to last my entire life. I hope all of them feel the same way, because they are not getting rid of me even if they want to.
That's all. This may have been a dreadful experience for you, but I feel less of the feels I was feeling before I wrote this post so that is good.
Matt, Chase, Dilee, Mary, and Jonathan I love you all very much. Thank you all for choosing me. Jonathan, despite the feels I am having right now I am so amazed by you and I am so proud of you. I look up to you a lot and I can't wait for you to get home.
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