Mad Othello

So last night I went to a production of Othello. It was a different production of Othello than is “traditionally” performed for a couple of reasons.

1-The setting was post-apocalyptic “Mad Max” war zone.

2-The cast was ALL female

3-Othello wasn’t black

A lot of people I know go, “Well, if Othello isn’t black is it really Othello?” and I just look at them and go “Da hell man?”

Unlike other shows like Clybourne Park, Hairspray, or A Raisin In The Sun race is not the central plot point in Othello. While many may argue that it is extremely important because without Othello’s race Iago has no motivation for destroying Othello, they are missing that the primary focus of Iago’s hatred is that he believes Othello to have slept with his wife, in addition to Iago’s jealousy at Othello’s rise in rank above him. That has NOTHING to do with race. It doesn’t matter what race, creed, ethnicity, religion, or gender Othello is, Iago will hate him for getting promoted to General over him and for, supposedly, sleeping with his wife.

                So what happens when we take away race? What happens when Othello is not only female, but is Caucasian? The entire play shifts and the characters who once stood at the center of the play are moved to the side to make way for the characters who have more to lose than anyone else—Desdemona and Amelia.

                First I need to say how much I appreciated Hailey Nebeker’s portrayal of Desdemona. For the first time ever I actually saw Desdemona as a strong female. Rather than the pure, wilting flower who gives in to the whims of men because she is unable to stand on her own, Nebeker’s Desdemona was a total badass. She was strong, but also kind. There was more than one time that I could feel the “F*** you” subtext as she spoke to various men. But she still advocated for kindness and compassion towards those she loves. She wasn’t going to take shit without a fight, but she wasn’t going to start a fight for no reason. It was incredibly empowering to watch and made me want her to fight harder and made me hate Othello and Iago more than ever. Now Desdemona was incredible, but even she wasn’t the character that haunted me and made me cry out for justice.

In watching this play in this concept/format, suddenly Amelia was the only character I cared about. I have read the play many times. I have seen scenes performed dozens of times and ways. But not ONCE did I ever understand the pain Amelia endures. And it is right there! It is in the text! So why do we gloss over it so often? Why do we ignore the abuse and violence (physical, mental, sexual) of a woman who is simply trying to survive? Why don’t we want to stand up to protect Amelia? Is domestic abuse/violence so common that we have grown numb and are unable to see it? I ached watching Amelia be torn apart as she is forced to fight for her own survival and fight for her human sanity in doing the “right” thing. In other productions, I hated Amelia. I thought “What the hell is this dumb bitch doing? She’s gonna mess it all up and get everyone killed.” And I am so mad and ashamed at myself, as a survivor of sexual abuse, for not going deeper. For not comprehending the depth of her pain. For not advocating for her and thinking “This poor woman. What a terrible thing that she can see no other choice but to obey in order to save her own life.” I left the theatre exhausted and wanting nothing more than to see a change in our world. To see a world where abuse and violence is so rare that it can sicken someone at the mere mention of it, let alone seeing it staged. To see a world where we cry out for justice for women. To see a world where the abused female character is applauded as just as important as the male character who does the abusing. To see a different world, a better world.

You can see Dark Lady Shakespeare Company’s production of Mad Othello at the Salt Lake Fringe Festival.

8/6/16 at 9:30pm

8/7/16 at 12:30pm

2234 Highland Dr.

Salt Lake City, UT

#lovetrumpshate

I have so many friends that share my beliefs that I often forget that I have friends who have radically different views from me. Sometimes it makes me angry. Sometimes it makes me sad. But more often than not it breaks my heart. Because aside from the larger consequences that will come from this election, there are smaller, more immediate consequences that I feel like people—people who say they care about me—forget. 

We have fought so hard in this country for centuries. We have fought for equality. That is number one. The first thing we as an American people ever wanted. To be treated equally. Unfortunately, we aren’t there yet. There are still thousands of people in this country who are treated like second class citizens in one way or another. And all the fear and hate I have seen spouted throughout this election process has only propagated this insane idea that some people are inherently “better” than others. That I am inherently less than someone else because I am a woman. Because I am gay. Because I am a survivor of sexual abuse. Because, somehow, someone decided that those labels make me less of a human being.  I am not considered equal. And as a result of that inequality placed on me suddenly I don’t deserve access to affordable health care, my marriage is not as “real” as someone else’s and may be dissolved altogether, I no longer have the right to decide what happens to my body, I don’t have the right to get a degree without putting myself into crippling debt, debt which I may never fully get out of because I am unable to get paid the same as everyone else. That is what will happen to me. Not to someone else. Not to a mystery human that you have never met. Me. This is real. It is personal. And by standing by, or worse, supporting it then you are a part of the problem. You are hurting me and my family. You. Not someone else I’ve never met. You. My friend.

We can no longer stand around and say, “Well, I didn’t want this” or “It won’t happen to me” or “I’m not a part of the problem.” We are all a part of the problem if we continue to support hate. If we continue to let our deeply rooted party alliances govern our actions. If we continue to ignore the cries of justice and equality from those citizens who so desperately need it.

I look around and I know that there is so much good in the world. There is such an incredible capacity for love and acceptance and we have the opportunity to pick that. To pick love and acceptance and equality and compassion rather than hate and fear and discrimination and disregard. This is not about parties anymore. It is not about religion or sexual orientation or race or class or any other label. It is about being a decent human being. It is time we stopped thinking about our own selfish prejudices and started thinking about what our actions mean to everyone else around us.

This is not an invitation for debate or fighting. This is simply meant as a plea, a cry, for a return to human decency. I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to fight. I want to say I love you and I respect your right to choose, but please consider love first. Choose love first. Fight for love first. Let love be what shines through in this election, not hate. #lovetrumpshate

Here you go Kaitlin ;)

Once A School Year Is Often Enough Right...

Once again...keeping up with a blog...it's hard. This is why I don't journal. Which makes my life hard because I have to journal for pretty much every class ever in my major. 

Anyway. Update on my life and a little reminder that everything is wonderful.

I am in a beautiful relationship with the most amazing woman I have ever met. I am in love and have discovered that there are a lot of things in my life that I never knew I wanted. I never thought I would want to settle down and get married or have kids, but Jessa makes me want all those things. Which is so incredibly exciting. 

I am in a program that is really pushing me to be better. Sometimes it is frustrating and makes me want to punch people, but I have grown more in this program than anywhere else. And thanks to Jennifer Barnhart I know that I am getting really great training. 

I am working two jobs and I haven't gone crazy yet. I am able to pay my bills and take care of myself like a grown up. Which is crazy exciting and gives me lots of hope that I can be a grown up in the real world outside of school. 

I am having wonderful experiences with friends and family and my life truly fills full of all the joyful things in the world. The universe is really looking out for me. 

So Future Keaton, when you feel crazy or like things aren't going your way remember where you came from, where you are, and where you are going. And keep everything in perspective. It'll get you through. 

I am so much better...

Yesterday I finished my first week of my sophomore year in the MTP at the University of Utah. I started this year with more experience and more confidence than last. I was already cast in a show that I was ecstatic to be a part of. I had worked all summer on improving my skills and improving my body. I was ready to start the year and take everyone by surprise. 

The first thing I did on my first day in dance class was to go up to our freshmen and introduce myself. Now, for those of you that know me really well you know that I do not put myself out there for people. I wait until people come up to me or I go up to people with a group of friends to surround and protect me. I was terrified of these freshmen. And then I remembered when I was a freshman only a year ago. I was shitting my pants I was so terrified and intimidated. And the worst part is that not a single upperclassman came up to me. A few of the people in my class introduced themselves, but it wasn't until our first acting class together that I really was introduced to my classmates. I don't think I even interacted with any of the upperclassmen until half way through the spring semester. I didn't feel like a part of the program. I felt isolated and confined to interacting with my freshmen class and only my freshmen class. I pondered those feelings as I stared at the fresh faces who were so eager to begin a journey towards living their dreams and I knew that I didn't want them to feel as I had for most of my freshman year. I walked up and said hello and told them my name and asked for theirs. I was kind and outgoing and energetic and, at least I hoped, I was welcoming. Later that same day I saw a few of the girls in the library and I gave them my cell phone number so they could text or call me if they ever needed anything. They may have thought that was stupid and they may never use it, but I offered. I offered my help and friendship. I didn't sit around and wait for them to come to me. And it felt amazing. It felt wonderful to be outgoing and adventurous. I know, going up and talking to new people doesn't seem very adventurous, but it is for me. Baby steps, guys, baby steps. Who knows? Maybe on Halloween I will go to a Haunted House, or next summer I will ride a roller coaster. I doubt it, but anything could happen. (Yep, I did read that in a Russian dialect as I typed it).

So where am I going with this? I don't know. I honestly don't. I guess I am writing it more as a positive affirmation for Future Keaton so she will know that she has grown and she will continue to grow. I am going to become more confident and more skilled and there is no one, but me, who can stop me. I may not have crazy adventures around the world, or drop out of school to become an overnight hit in New York or Chicago or L.A. I may not write the next great play or novel. I may not be able to kick my nose or belt my tits off. I may never change someone's life because they knew me or because they saw a performance I was in. I may end up a crabby old bitch teaching theatre to high school students. But those things don't scare me. I love what I am doing. I love the strides I am making to improve myself and my craft. I love my passion and my drive. I love who I am and all the things that I may or may not do. 

Wow, this post was kind of a mess. Oh well. Maybe next time (whenever that is) it will be a more cohesive and comprehensive piece...

It's Funny How Things Happen...

I am terrible at this "keeping up a blog" thing. I really struggle, but it's fine. Because this blog is only for me really. I started it for me and I use it when I need it and I guess that is all that matters. 

So the point of this post  is to remove all these feels I am having right now. This summer I participated in a community theatre production of Aida. I loved the show, but more than that I loved the people I met and became close with. Specifically Mary Nelson and Jonathan Baker. Our friendship was immediately strong and close. In fact we love each other all so much that we spent 13 hours together yesterday. 13 hours that, had we not needed sleep, could very well have stretched into days. Now that the strength of this relationship has been established I can get into what it is doing to me and my emotions.

Jonathan is leaving tomorrow morning for a five month trip to teach English. Because he is adventurous and exciting like that. A five month trip that is causing me to feel all the feels. Now, I know what you are saying. "Dilee has been gone for a whole year. You can handle five months. Get over yourself." Well let me mention that those five months are to be spent IN CHINA. Dilee was in the United States. With a cell phone and the ability to fly home for visits. Jonathan is going to be in CHINA. See. Told ya. Not so easy to get over. And while I have been telling myself that it is fine, that I won't lose all contact with him and I will be busy with Avenue Q and school, I can't help but feel sad at his departure. 

It's funny how that happens. How quickly you can attach yourself to another person so strongly. It is very similar to when Matt and I became friends (oh, Music Man) Or better yet, when Chase and I became friends (oh, Pride and Prejudice). I have had many friends that I have been close with. But that closeness grew over time and became strong through years of interaction. And those friendships haven't lasted. These friendships, with Matt and Chase and Dilee and Mary and Jonathan, these friendships that hit me like a train and dragged me with them, these friendships that made me feel safe and loved in mere moments, these are the friendships that are going to last my entire life. I hope all of them feel the same way, because they are not getting rid of me even if they want to. 

That's all. This may have been a dreadful experience for you, but I feel less of the feels I was feeling before I wrote this post so that is good. 

Matt, Chase, Dilee, Mary, and Jonathan I love you all very much. Thank you all for choosing me. Jonathan, despite the feels I am having right now I am so amazed by you and I am so proud of you. I look up to you a lot and I can't wait for you to get home. 

Memories...

:ast night while I was struggling to fall asleep I started to look through pictures on Facebook (it's like a shoebox, but you don't have to climb through the basement to find it). I found myself reminiscing and remembering all the good times in my life. Particularly in High School. While I know that I complained about high school all the time while I was there, and I still occasionally complain about it now, the truth is I had wonderful times at Lone Peak. I grew and I made some of the best friends I have ever had. I struggled and I fought to become a better person. I am so grateful for the people that were there to make my experience as amazing as it was:

• Jonathan Ruesch: You always made me smile. It didn't matter how bad my day was going, you could make it better. Thank you.
• Michael Ruesch: You gave me something to shoot for. You were talented, and smart, and a genuine good person. When I felt that I wasn't good enough, I looked to you and tried to be like you. Thank you.
• Sierra Bottita: You helped me through some of my hardest times. I was able to tell you things that I couldn't tell anyone. You kept me sane and drove the car when I was emotionally compromised. Thank you.
• Jesse Pyne: You are the most amazing man. You have been with me for a long time. And even when other friends fell away, you were there. I love you so much and I am so excited to see where you are going to go and what you are going to do in your life. You helped make me who I am. Thank you.
• Randilee Warner:Best friend. Our relationship started out...rough. We struggled, but when we finally got through we found each other. And I am so glad that I have you. You are one of the few people who supports me as much as I support you. I am so grateful for that. I love you and miss you and I want you to come home!!! :)
• Matt White: I am not even going to say anything, because then I will start crying nobody wants that. Even though our friendship only last one year during high school, I don't think I could have survived that year or the year after without you. You are the best ever. Yep...you know the rest.

There are so many others, but these are the people that I see when I look back on my times at Lone Peak. I love you all!!

Ok, now for some elementary reminiscing...

I recently received a message from my elementary school best friend. He is a freshman in college like me and he is writing a memoir for one of his classes. As he has been writing it he was thinking about our friendship and how it came about and evolved. His message started me reminiscing and enjoying how easy life was back then. And the simple things that brought so much joy. For example, me and my friend wrote a song and commercial one day just out of the blue. Here is what I can remember of the script:

Man: (singing and staring out towards a beautiful woman) I see you far across the water! I see you looking back at me! (more lyrics I can't remember)
(As the man nears the woman she begins to sing and walk toward him)
Woman: (singing and staring at the man (but not really!)) Lyrics, Lyrics, Lyrics!
(The woman walks past the man and picks up a shiny new cell phone.)

The End.

I know! We were marketing and songwriting geniuses!!

Anyway, the point to all this is to remind you all that you didn't get here on your own. You had good moments and bad moments that helped you become who you are. Don't let those moments disappear. Take the time to remember them. And take the time to thank the people who made it possible. Memories are a good thing. Don't ignore them.