Yesterday I finished my first week of my sophomore year in the MTP at the University of Utah. I started this year with more experience and more confidence than last. I was already cast in a show that I was ecstatic to be a part of. I had worked all summer on improving my skills and improving my body. I was ready to start the year and take everyone by surprise.
The first thing I did on my first day in dance class was to go up to our freshmen and introduce myself. Now, for those of you that know me really well you know that I do not put myself out there for people. I wait until people come up to me or I go up to people with a group of friends to surround and protect me. I was terrified of these freshmen. And then I remembered when I was a freshman only a year ago. I was shitting my pants I was so terrified and intimidated. And the worst part is that not a single upperclassman came up to me. A few of the people in my class introduced themselves, but it wasn't until our first acting class together that I really was introduced to my classmates. I don't think I even interacted with any of the upperclassmen until half way through the spring semester. I didn't feel like a part of the program. I felt isolated and confined to interacting with my freshmen class and only my freshmen class. I pondered those feelings as I stared at the fresh faces who were so eager to begin a journey towards living their dreams and I knew that I didn't want them to feel as I had for most of my freshman year. I walked up and said hello and told them my name and asked for theirs. I was kind and outgoing and energetic and, at least I hoped, I was welcoming. Later that same day I saw a few of the girls in the library and I gave them my cell phone number so they could text or call me if they ever needed anything. They may have thought that was stupid and they may never use it, but I offered. I offered my help and friendship. I didn't sit around and wait for them to come to me. And it felt amazing. It felt wonderful to be outgoing and adventurous. I know, going up and talking to new people doesn't seem very adventurous, but it is for me. Baby steps, guys, baby steps. Who knows? Maybe on Halloween I will go to a Haunted House, or next summer I will ride a roller coaster. I doubt it, but anything could happen. (Yep, I did read that in a Russian dialect as I typed it).
So where am I going with this? I don't know. I honestly don't. I guess I am writing it more as a positive affirmation for Future Keaton so she will know that she has grown and she will continue to grow. I am going to become more confident and more skilled and there is no one, but me, who can stop me. I may not have crazy adventures around the world, or drop out of school to become an overnight hit in New York or Chicago or L.A. I may not write the next great play or novel. I may not be able to kick my nose or belt my tits off. I may never change someone's life because they knew me or because they saw a performance I was in. I may end up a crabby old bitch teaching theatre to high school students. But those things don't scare me. I love what I am doing. I love the strides I am making to improve myself and my craft. I love my passion and my drive. I love who I am and all the things that I may or may not do.
Wow, this post was kind of a mess. Oh well. Maybe next time (whenever that is) it will be a more cohesive and comprehensive piece...
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